Writing is hard but I always feel called back to it, like Gatsby to the green light. Writing is emotional and takes emotion to do and for someone not always in touch with their own emotions it takes digging and cracking to reach to the marrow of my bones and willingness to leave my heart open on a page. It almost doesn’t matter about the fact that everyone can read what I’ve written because maybe they might have some introspection I don’t have on myself or the topic I’m writing about.
Not having crazy emotions most of the time means I can do things well that can be hard for those that are deeply attached to their emotions. This is how I can write & speak bluntly, purge my house easily, detach from hurts that people have done to me & watch This Is Us without crying most of the time. But this also makes me not feel as womanly sometimes cause I don’t meet some stereotypes. I also struggle to meet my kids emotional needs. Also at times it makes me dwell on if circumstances in my life have brought this emotional distance onto me even more, like a self preservation tactic. Maybe it’s why I’ve become terrible at printing pictures or even looking at old ones.
I don’t think I’m the only one that is working hard at learning to be emotional but it does feel like a lonely road. Some people’s emotions take up the whole room and suffocate the rest of us. I’ve always known that I’m an empath, which is a funny combo with my low emotional status. I have to be careful how much darkness I take in because it can take me down.
How do we find the balance in a broken world? Now I don’t have correct answers but these are things I know right now for my own balance...
I need to begin to write all the time and share it even if it scares the shit out of me some days.
I have the gift of creating order & organizing and want to bestow that to others to have life giving homes & businesses.
I must dwell in community with other believers even though I’ve been burnt & have burned others in the past.
I cannot and will not live life keeping my story silent & locked inside to harbor negativity, that has already done enough damage in the past.
Begin to say yes to adventures & be okay with feeling scared when I do new things.
Believe in the good and that it will come even in trials sometimes.
Family is everything, even if it’s not your nuclear family.
God is greater than all the bullshit we have gone through and will continue to go through. He is unfailing, consistant, merciful and best of all forgiving.
Here's your invitation to be scared with me, to share and do it anyway, live free & from peoples perceptions & expectations of you and let grace cover it all because life is short.
emily